I am a box filled with Lego pieces. Outside I keep it clean, but inside I’m a mess – a mumbo jumbo of colourful pieces waiting to find order. I want to live and feel all the shades and tones of mental and physical experience possible in life because I am horribly limited.
These past few days, I find myself sulking for reasons I don’t even know. Actually, it’s not just recently because by default, my emotional setting is sadness. What used to hold me back a great deal was my valiant attempts to squash negative feelings. I desperately wanted to be happy and the way to do this was to push away all negative emotions and let happiness rise to the surface. I believed that it was sadness that was holding happiness back and if I just moved that feeling aside, the happiness would come skipping on into my life. Now I know that’s not how it works.
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” - Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
2013 just strolled in and there’s been two deaths in the family. Both of them have been a big part of my life. I tried my hardest to avoid breathing in the loss that seemed to permeate the air. But I’ve always felt lost. It’s like i’m drowning in the ocean of my thoughts and seeing everyone perfectly okay. “Numbing the pain makes it worst when you finally feel it.” – J.K Rowling
This is the same point of my life where I wallow in all my frustrations and broken ambitions. All the could-have-beens and what-ifs just seem to sprout from the deepest and should-have-been forgotten compartment of my mind. If only it could be done — change fate’s design. I’m broken from the inside and it feels as if the world is better off without me.
It’s hard being alone, it makes me think and sometimes it’s bad. I just miss a life I don’t have. I’m reaching and looking for something to just take me away. One of the things I wish I had most in life is a look into the future, like if I ever found a book that was about my life, I’d skip right to the end. I want to know what I’m meant to do, if the feeling of being alone and sad and hurt will ever go away.
How much longer do I have to go through it all to be fully happy. I can’t have it all show on the outside, I’m supposed to be good at hiding it all but this isn’t a cut I can cover with pants, or scratches I can cover with makeup, it’s the harsh reality of life. But through it all, Sadness becomes a beautiful melancholy. And then I realized: there is beauty in this sadness. It contributes to creative achievement as well as tragic demise. These emotional turmoil I’m feeling has inspired me to create stories and with that, I felt more comfortable with it. I have embraced sadness as a friend in a world where people are obsessed with finding happiness.
xoxo
Steph.
P.S. I apologize for the depressing post guys! I just don’t know elsewhere to vent these emotions out. 
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You are not alone. Look how many people are reading your posts and following your blog.
Oh myy. Yes, thank you for reminding me that. I guess but ever had that feeling even if you’re surrounded by people you still feel empty? I dunno. maybe it’s just me.. Thank you for dropping by!
I did have such a feeling of emptiness quite often until I started blogging. Now if I feel ‘empty’, I go online and start reading my favourte blogs or ‘talking’ to the bloggers I love. I have never felt lonely or empty since
Wow.. I wish it works for me like it does to you.. but my greatest remedy is eating.. I guess in there, for that absolute moment, I feel happy
Ditto to the above. Not alone. Also, thanks for that Jodi Picoult quote. That certainly describes how it can be sometimes.
So sorry for your losses. I hope 2013 gets a little better for you.
oh my thank you!
Seriously, I wish somehow I could give you guys a hug right now.. Thank you for your kind words 
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Aww, Steph. Hugs!
Hi ate Nica! Haaai *sob* hugs!
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I feel the same these days. Actually had a draft sitting in my site about it, too. TT
Well that makes the two of us… If it makes you feel better.. just know you’re not alone.. ironic nga eh
haha!
Ironic! I am yet to publish that post. Too much negativity in me…
Its a difficult world out there and I dunno why some of us end up as loners.I am too a loner but look , we actually have time to look at the good things of life , and we actually have a lot more time than others to achieve , focus and concentrate on what we want.
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This is a great blog post, so do not apologize! It’s great to be able to read emotions once in a while and I really appreciate it. Mostly because I find myself in these words, in the negative feelings and in the fear to be alone. I know these are two very difficult monsters to fight, and let me tell you this: you are not alone, a lot of us are in this with you so keep expressing your feelings here so that we can share them and not be alone either.
Melania from http://fashionoodles.wordpress.com
Ohmy.. I’m in tears… Thank you oh so much for this Melania.. I just thought the world wide web isn’t such a good place to pour these emotions to but I don’t have anywhere to go.. And yes,a lot of people out there needs someone to listen to their heartaches too.. thank you once again! with much love, steph
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you’re welcome dear
Girl you have just printed words that many of us feel in this world, we are not alone, but sadly most people like to pretend and a few of us that don’t are pointed as freaks or weirdos or loners, we are not, we are honest and that’s the main reason of our solitude because we believe in truth and honest therefor we want that in our life and wont settle for less, and that will come but as they say good things take time
so hang in there a big hug, kiss and lots of love!
I don’t know what to say.. I’m crying reading all of your replies.. This is the first time in a long while I felt welcomed without any judgement or whatsoever.. thank you so much for helping me ease the burden
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I don’t know you, but I’d like to offer a big hug all the same. I understand exactly how you’re feeling, to the letter.
Thank you David!! I’m feeling a lot better now knowing a lot of people actually cares about what I have to say or what I feel… Thank you.. *hug*
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Of course.
If this words mean anything to you, I can say you’ll always find a friend in myself, I won’t judged you and my arms will always welcome you for a hug
! I know what it feels therefor we can find empathy.
Thank you!!! It’s such a great feeling that those who are far from you can hear the cries of your heart… Thank you
AAah.. I’m feeling lighter compared earlier 
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You are not alone. I was in the same boat just few months ago. Happiness is the greatest goal in life but the road is not always easy. Writing this also helps reach out to others and always remember that you are not alone. This may be overused but there’s always tomorrow to start anew. My thoughts are scattered now, anyway… Be happy!
thank you thank you so much for the kind words during my troubled time.. Now I know I’m never alone.. thank you <3
You’re welcome!
Grieving takes time. Coming to terms with the death of two people who meant a lot in your life is not easy. This is something one has to work on unconsciously and consciously. A lot of thinking and pondering follows such deep events, which destroyed some rooms in the house of your existence. Perhaps you even have to look at the foundations. You have to find back your emotional balance. This happens most of the time in the unconscious or subconscious. But it takes time.
I’m sure there soon will be a morning when you wake up fresh and without sorrow. To continue this long unknown track we call life.
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